Peace on you!

(Must be read with and Italian accent) One day ima gonnaMalta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast.I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me onlyone piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to thetoilet. I say you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate.She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. Idon't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitressbrings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wannafock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you nounderstand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better notfock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to myroom inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call themanager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go totoilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. Hesay you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go tothe checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". Isay piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back toItaly.

Bad Jokes

1. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick.

2. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.



3. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.



4. Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.



5. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers.



6. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?

Damn!



7. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?

Because it scares the hell out of the dog.



8. What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes, whack, damn. a bad skydiver goes damn, whack.



9. How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.



10. How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way, unique up on it.



11. What goes clop, clop, clop, bang,bang,clop clop clop?

An amish drive-by shooting



12. How are a texas tornado and a tennessee divorce the same?

Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

Mensagens a colocar em Atendedores de Chamadas

Chegaste à caixa de correio de _____. _____ não está em casa neste momento, mas o que quer que tenhas para lhe dizer, podes me dizer a mim. Nós somos muito íntimos e contamos tudo um ao outro!

(Voz de mulher falando de maneira muito sexy): Olá! Chamo-me Sheila. Estava à espera que ligasses. Eu estava tão sozinha e quente que comecei a... (Voz de homem): Mário, amor, larga o telefone!

(Voz de uma outra pessoa que não viva na casa) Parabéns! Chegaste ao número que marcaste! Pode não ser o que querias marcar, mas é o que marcaste!

Eu não posso atender o telefone agora... Quer dizer, na verdade eu posso atender AGORA, porque AGORA estou aqui a gravar a mensagem, mas estou a fazer isto AGORA, enquanto que tu vais ouvir isto mais tarde, mas que para ti é AGORA que estás a ouvir, mas na verdade AGORA não estás a ouvir nada porque nem sequer me estás a ligar e... WOW! Isto é muito confuso...

(Voz de outra pessoa que não vive na casa) Olá! Aqui falo eu, não estou aqui, por isso deixa a mensagem depois disto!

Olá! Ligaste para a casa do maior psíquico do planeta. Como eu já sei quem tu és e o que queres, podes desligar depois do sinal.

Tou? (pequena pausa) TOU? (outra pausa) TOU? QUEM FALA? (longa pausa) Bem, não interessa, eu não estou em casa!

(Som de música muito alta no fundo) TOU? (pequena pausa) ESPERA UM POUCO ENQUANTO EU VOU BAIXAR A MÚSICA! (Som de passos a afastar-se, a música desliga-se, som de passos a aproximar) Tou! Desculpa lá, quem fala? Ha, olá! Tudo bom? Huhum... huhum... (grande pausa) Ok! De qualquer maneira isto é uma gravação, por isso deixa a mensagem depois do sinal.

(Simplesmente a gravação de um sinal de ocupado)

O número _______(número de telefone) para o qual ligou encontra-se desactivado. O novo número é o _______(o mesmo número de telefone). Obrigado. (Gravar duas ou três vezes seguidas a mensagem)

Chegou ao número _______(número de telefone). Por favor deixe mensagem depois do sinal.(utilizado quando não se tem atendedor automático e realmente se atende o telefone. Conseguir um aparelho para imitar o BEEP do atendedor no final.)

English is really crazy

There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies,
while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?
One index, two indices?
Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down.
You fill in a form by filling it out,
and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it,
but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Quotes about Old Age

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill. (George Burns)

At my age flowers scare me (George Burns)

Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternatives. (Maurice Chevalier, on 77th birthday)

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I'll tell you: a paternity suit. (George Burns)

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)

There are three ages of man - youth, age, and 'you're looking wonderful.' (Francis Spellman)

I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. (Bob Hope)

English Translations Around the World

• In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

• In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

• In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

• In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin shoudl enter more persons, each one should press number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

• In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

• In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

• In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

• In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

• In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetry where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

• In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to parambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

• On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave nothing to hope for.

• On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

• In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

• Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

• In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

• Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

• In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is a big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

• Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

• In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

• In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

• A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

• In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

• In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by latest Methodists.

• A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

• In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

• In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours we guarantee no miscarriages.

• Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

• On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

• In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

• On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

• Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

• In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today no ice cream.

• In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

• In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for ladies with nutes.

• In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

• On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

• In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

• At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

• In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women an other diseases.

• In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

• In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

• From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

• From the brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

The Pleasure of Translation

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started : Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure...

FICHA DE INSCRIÇÃO

FICHA DE INSCRIÇÃO
CANDIDATOS PARA SAIR COM A MINHA FILHA

Nota: Esta ficha estará incompleta e rejeitada, a não ser que acompanhada de relatório financeiro pessoal, currículo profissional e atestado médico actual confirmando um estado de saúde em óptimas condições.

1. Nome: ____________________________________
Data de nascimento __\__\____

2. Altura: _____________ Peso ____________ Q.I._____

3. N.º Segurança Social: ___ -___-___
N.ºLicença Condução:_______________

4. Grupo de Escoteiros:___________________

5. Tem um PAI macho e uma MÃE fêmea?________
Se NÃO explique:________________________

6. Tem uma carrinha?_________ Jipe com pneus largos?___________
Colchão de água?__________ Tem brincos nas orelhas? __________
Brincos no nariz?_______ Piercings?____
Onde? ________________________
Tatuagens? _____ Onde? ________________________________
Se sim a qualquer das questões de 6., pode parar por aqui e deixar as
instalações de imediato.

7. Em 25 palavras ou menos, que significado tem a palavra TARDE para si?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________

8. Em 25 palavras ou menos, que significado tem a seguinte frase para si:
"NÃO TOQUE NA MINHA FILHA!"
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________

9. Em 25 palavras ou menos, que significado tem a palavra ABSTINÊNCIA
para si?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________

10. Igreja que frequenta : ___________________
Quantas vezes por semana vai à Igreja?_________

11. Melhor horário para falar com o seu PAI: ______________________
MÃE: __________________ Padre ou Bispo: _________________

12. Responda às seguintes questões preenchendo os campos em branco. As
respostas serão mantidas confidenciais. (Isto significa que eu não direi a
ninguém que eu tenha prometido)
A. O último sítio do meu corpo onde eu quero ser alvejado é
__________
B. Se eu fosse espancado, o último osso que quereria ver partido era o
__________
C. O lugar da mulher é no/na
__________
D. Aquilo que eu espero que não me seja perguntado nesta ficha é
________________________________________________
e a resposta é
________________________________________________
E. Quando conheço uma rapariga, a primeira coisa em que reparo é/são o/as
________________
(Se a resposta começa por "C" ou "M", pode parar de preencher a ficha e
deixar as instalações de imediato, saindo com a cabeça baixa e correndo aos
zigue -zagues)

13. O que quer ser SE crescer?
__


____________________________________________________________
ATENTE QUE TODA A INFORMAÇÃO PROVIDENCIADA ACIMA É VERDADEIRA
E PRECISA PARA O MEU CONHECIMENTO PROFUNDO, E ENCONTRA-SE
SUJEITO À PENA DE MORTE, DESMEMBRAMENTO, TORTURA TAILANDESA,
ELECTROCUSSÃO, TORTURA CHINESA DA ÁGUA E OUTRAS.


__________________________________________
Assinatura (Isto significa que tens de escrever o teu nome!)
Data__\__\____

Obrigado pelo interesse demonstrado pela minha filha.Por favor permita-me quatro
a seis anos para o processamento da informação. Será notificado por escrito se a sua
inscrição for aceite. Por favor não tente escrever ou telefonar. Se a sua ficha for
rejeitada, será notificado por dois senhores usando gravatas brancas e transportando
caixas de violino pretas. Poderá ter necessidade de olhar sempre para trás de si.